i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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