She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
