you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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