Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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