his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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