three words: i give head
three words: not that well
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
