Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
