he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
