This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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