ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
