took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think i got beer on your cat.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
