Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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