OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Shame is for Republicans.
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