I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
