Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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