They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
