You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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