He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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