So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
