I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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