best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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