Four minutes until I can fart!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
