My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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