I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
