My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
