In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
