One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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