You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you traded sex for a burrito?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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