I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
