i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
