I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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