Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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