I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
