She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
