We're facebook friends in real life
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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