So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
