My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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