I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
