I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
