I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
