Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
