you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i can't believe i had my finger in that
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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