I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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