all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
