clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
