I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
