i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
