You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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