i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
