the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so let's talk penis.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
