For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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