i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
