The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
